Originally published December 11, 2010



I have been giving considerable thought to how to build healthy relationships, why some succeed and why some fail. The most crucial element in any relationship regardless of how that relationship varies in depth and quality is our ability to ask questions of the other person while truly listening to the answers.

Most failed relationships are based on the inability to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and understand how they feel. I think of my mother as a wonderful example of a person who knows how to build good relationships. Even at 83 years old she has a lot of overnight guests, friends and family who visit her. Her good listening ability nourishes these friendships. She listens carefully, with full attention, without judgment or emotional involvement.

The ego holds onto I want, I need, and we tend to think about ourselves rather than about others. Our fears and insecurities inhibit our ability to connect in a meaningful way. The ability to take interest in others and actively explore their personal inner workings requires initiative in relating. Initiative in relating is taking our attention off ourselves, then patiently and sensitively questioning others and listening to their answers.

Initiative in relating takes practice as the ego keeps stepping up with its feelings, I want, I need, I feel, You didn’t do, you did, my feelings are hurt, on and on the internal dialogue continues. Fortunately initiative is a learned relationship skill. We can develop it if we lack it and God can help us correct this deficiency. The Bible says in James 1:19 let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak.

To become an active listener make a conscious effort to hear not only the words another person is saying but, more importantly, try to understand the complete message being sent. The more entrenched and emotional the conflict, the more vital the listening role is.



Think of your conversations over the last week. Were you the listener or were you the talker. Did you dominate the conversation? Did you give the other person fair time in the conversation? Did you understand the complete message being given? Listening opens doors to understanding others on a more personal basis.



Maybe I should work on a hypnosis script for listening, it should be fun and productive.

Thoughts for transforming your life.